Insane: Part 1

Posted: March 1, 2011 in Stories

Here’s Part 2

The day has come, and I am completely prepared for it. As I had been all along. It took five years of careful planning, but now I will be free.

People say it is a torture to be insane. The world thinks you are dangerous, and no one believes a word of what you say. No matter how much that annoys me, I cannot deny that I relish it. I love the attention. I love being insane.

I have been living at psychiatric hospital for the last six years. And I am to be discharged tomorrow for good behavior. Of course, they have treated me very well here. A little too well, in fact. The good, clever doctors counselled me every evening. Nurse Prudence was the picture of motherly love. At one point of time, I realized I was losing my insanity. But when the Feelings visited me, I realized what I was about to let go of. I clung on to my insanity. But if the doctors saw it in me, they would try to eradicate it. Therefore, I hid it. Deep in the depths of my heart, I nurtured it with every passing day. A growing monster. And the moment I will unleash it upon the world is not too far away. It was tough growing the monster inside. All of my first year here, I would shout and scream. I would get into fights with fellow asylum inmates. I cried myself to sleep every night because I knew I had ruined my life. But I eventually understood that it did nothing to get me out of there. I understood that I was stuck in here for ten years at least, if not more than half my life. I had to get out, and take revenge. Hiding my insanity was the best way to do it. I make it sound easy, but it was far from that. Dr. Verma almost had it out of me. He was so sweet and friendly and kind, and he spoke just like my  father. But I didn’t give in. I didn’t let the doctors find the telltale signs of madness they were looking so much for.

At first, everyone including Dr. Verma had thought something was wrong with me. A woman who used to spend days on end in solitary lockup suddenly behaving like a sane individual? No no, something is wrong. She’ll attack someone again within a week. But I am proud of myself. Call me vain, but I am greatly pleased by the way I managed to convince those textbook-bred fools that I had changed for the better.

Yes, I have changed, but for the better or for the worse, I cannot say. I am no more the young, gullible child I used to be before  the Day. On the other hand, I have become cold and calculating. I seem to have become the diabolical villain of my storybooks…and I enjoy it.

Often, the Feelings come visit me. More often than I would like them to. They envelop me like smoke and take me back to a different life. I feel like Harry Potter in the Penseive, only nothing sucks me in, and I have to make too much effort to get  back out. They are coming now, to take me back to the Day.

It is a bright morning. She is glad to be back, and before time. Rishi will be glad to see her back home, she thinks. She decides to surprise him. She hails a cab from the airport to the suburban area of the city where he lives. She runs up the stairs in anticipation of seeing him. At the entrance to his door, she rummages around in he purse for the keys to his apartment–it is 5 a.m., he must be asleep. She gently unlocks the door and walks into the apartment–messy as usual. She always told him off for that. She tiptoes to the door of his room and opens the door, only to find her worst nightmare come alive–he is sleeping peacefully in the arms of another woman. A woman she knows very well.

All this while, I stand there and watch. It is a bearable memory now, but when I first came here, I’d wake up screaming at night, feeling suicidal. I’d try to slash myself and anyone within a mile’s radius of me.

They say they locked me in because I tried to kill my best friend/my fiancé’s mistress. I don’t remember it. I just remember waking up in her bedroom with blood on my hands. Obviously, being the movie buff I am, I thought someone else did it.

It is the same story with millions of women around the world. They, however,  do not go around taking the law into their own hands. One may wonder why they have declared me insane and not a cold-blooded near-murderer (which, indeed, I am). It was because I poured my heart out to my lawyer and the psychiatrist. I told them everything. The psychiatrist probably realized I’m a genuine case. And here I am.

I still have pictures of when Rishi–they figured that wouldn’t hurt him or me. Honestly. I miss him very much. I think of him a lot.

It was indeed my fault, come to think of it. I loved him too much, and I still do. I would often imagine the horror of discovering that he was cheating on me. The jealousy I possessed was inexplicable. It confused me, too. It made me hate myself at times. It would creep over me and even render me immobile at times. I hated it when he would socialize with other girls (and the strangest kind, mind you.) In my eyes, he was mine. Only mine. And the rest of the world didn’t deserve even a piece of him. I loved him too much, so much so that I turned insane. I dreamt of dark things like murder. I didn’t tell anyone even then. I kept it at bay so I wouldn’t hurt him.

Quite a lot happened in the interim period between the Day and the murder. Oops, near-murder. Damn. He decided I wasn’t good enough to apologize to. She was more important to him. I was livid. I really went insane, in the truest sense of the word. There were black-out periods which lasted for hours in the beginning.  I alternated between feeling suicidal and murderous. I stopped talking to my family and took indefinite leave from work. I cried. I screamed to no one in particular, “Where did I go wrong? It was all PERFECT!” And it would have been…had it not been for her. And I tell you, the day I woke up with blood on my hands in that pink girly bedroom, I had hoped to God I had been the murderer. Her mangled body was what I had been dreaming about forever. She deserved it. No one liked her, seriously. (I had to show remorse for the doctors’ satisfaction). I don’t like the fact that I blacked out. I want to remember how I almost killed her, how she nearly died.

I like nurturing the insanity within me because it is the only thing that reminds me of him without hurting me. It began because of him…and it will stay.

It was the jealousy that did me in. And will perhaps do me in again, if I’m not careful. There is a lot of planning to be done yet, it must all be perfect.

  1. anothereader says:

    That’s so….. diabolical. Its almost Koboi-ish. :O

  2. So,I see you know Devdan 🙂
    I also see you’re another fan of Artemis Fowl. Join the club 😀
    This is masterful. I swear it. To write about how a woman gets affected by a broken heart is a tough task. Anyone can write “she cried,tried to cut her wrist”,etcetera. You on the other hand, vividly described her pain. Her pain was too much for her conscious mind to bear, so she blacked out in an effort to let all of it out. But what’s left inside the steamless pressure cooker is cooked rice. So, she’s about to set in motion a plan of payback for the year’s that she’s lost, the pain that she’s faced.I’m so eager to read the next one!!!!
    You’re masterful Nupur. I’m surprised you wanna be a lawyer, you can just be one helluva writer, maybe even join the ranks of sheldon and archer!!! Scratch that “maybe”. If you write, I’m sure you’ll get there 🙂

    • smartie94 says:

      So THIS is Devdan!
      Do you read Eragon, too, Devdan? Vrael is Fail?

      Thanks for reading! 🙂
      Haha, thanks again 😀

      • Yeah. I do read the inheritance trilogy. I heard it was like LOTR.
        It was… somewhat. Did not like it that much, but the guy sure has a story.
        And if you wanna be a lawyer, you can be someone like Grisham. Law has scope in writing, and you make a very tidy profit too… 😛
        But… I now retract my opinion that this is “almost Koboi-ish” to make it more like a Minerva what-is-her-surname plan. Koboi lost. Rishi is dead, though.
        And the sweet spot trick was brilliance. Typical Colfer though.

  3. uday says:

    awesome blog… loved it……

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